What if I Lost Myself?

So as some readers may already know I have had a chronic headache for about two and a half years now. (To read more about my story, go check out my testimony here: https://overcominghannah.wordpress.com/) Of course we’re still trying to find help and healing, but I’m afraid of losing a part of me that I place too much importance in.

So to give a little context to this fear, I got hit pretty hard in gym class. Not like with a dodgeball, but with a guy who’s probably 50 lbs heavier than me and who flew through the air and landed on top of me. My head whipped forward and it felt like my brain and smacked against the inside of my skull. But I got up and I was fine. Except, I might not be.

Ever since then my headache has felt worse.

Having the same pain for such a long amount of time at least gives some level of functionality because you get used to the pain. But this is new, worse, and unignorable.

I’m worried this pain is limiting my ability to think. This may sound strange, but I have been blessed with a mind that is able to understand and remember things, and I’m pretty dependent on that not only for the work I do as a student and in other areas of my life, but it also translates into my view of my identity at times.

Of course, the Lord draws me back to Him. Yesterday as I sat in Bible class we watched a video and had a quiz on idols, and my teacher made the last question of our quiz “What, if taken away from you, would nearly cause you to lose your will to live?” (A quote from the video turned into a question for reflection.) I had to think about it, but not for too long because God was tugging at my heart, bringing to mind the depression and anxiety I had been feeling about my worsened headache and my perceived loss of ability.

From that I found that my greatest idol is my gifts and graces. These aren’t bad things in themselves, idols often aren’t, but I’m giving these worldly things too much power, which leaves me on shifting sand.

What if I really am suddenly unable to function to the same degree of excellence that I usually can? What then? Who am I then?

Lord God, please shape my heart to look more like Yours. Please impress on me the truth of my identity in You, and I pray that you would shift my perspective back into the balance you call good, so that You would be ever more glorified through Your power in me.

Still overcoming,

Hannah

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