Report card day. Dreaded for some, treasured for others, and I happen to experience the latter.
I get good grades because I have natural smarts and I work hard enough that my natural 90 turns into a worked for 100.
There are many people who work much harder than me but aren’t recognized for their efforts, and that’s hard for me to understand in a lot of ways.
I don’t understand how people can stay motivated to study knowing that the best grade they’ll get is an 80, or how someone can go unnoticed and unappreciated because of ungrateful privileged people like me without having a breakdown. I admire the reserved perseverance in these kinds of people.
I know I sound kind of awful writing this way, and I’ll sound even more awful after the next few sentences, but I’m not trying to build myself up, I’m trying to express how much I wish I had understanding rather than knowledge, internal beauty rather than external, and the humility and determination of a hard worker rather than the entitled pride that I have.
To be completely honest, sometimes I wish I wasn’t smart.
Stupid problem, I know.
But it’s true! I want to be different but these changes that I long for don’t come easy to someone who is bolstered by tangible success like a report card.
Even just writing about how I wish I could get rid of something so longed for by others makes me seem ungrateful, and I’m really not, I’m just working through a lot of stuff right now about how to get along with myself, if that makes any sense.
Father my view of myself is distorted and terribly broken. I don’t know what’s right or what’s wrong to think or feel. I need You to come and clean out my mind, replacing all my ugliness with thoughts of You. Lord help me see that it’s not about the external achievements, whether they’re good or bad. Help me to forget about that and fix my eyes squarely on You, not getting distracted by successes or failures. Teach me to be grateful for what I have and help me to remember that You make everything beautiful in its own time. Lord, for Your glory and my good, change me to be less of me and more of You.