I have been going to a new chiropractor (there have previously been two others) for around two months now. As of yesterday, I’m no longer going to that chiropractor, or any other doctor for that matter.
Other frequent visitors to doctors’ offices might identify with this “doctor weariness,” though it’s more than that. It’s more than just being tired or annoyed at having to go to doctor after doctor after doctor.
It’s exhaustion from being constantly reminded that I am sick and broken.
It’s distress about my pain taking over more of my life than it already is.
So yes, no new doctors for now. That’s not to say that I’m never going to go to a doctor about my headache again, but for now, and the foreseeable future, I’m not going to allow my headache to take over more of my life than it has to. It’s already causing me pain every second of the day, why would I spend hours every week going to doctors’ appointments that are unfruitful and depressing?
There’s definitely something to be said for learning to live with my headache rather than fighting all the time. In reality, there’s no guarantee that I’ll find relief in this life. I’ve found peace with that. Not the kind of peace that leads to hopelessness and stagnancy, but the kind that leads to freedom, acceptance, and moving forward.
People have admonished me before when I say that I might never be healed in this life or that at this point I would rather focus on learning to live with my pain rather than fighting it to no avail.
I think a lot of the time people think I’ve given up on life or that I’m simply too lazy to help myself. Those people obviously don’t know my story, because if they did their heads would spin about how much time, money, and effort my family has put into this for me.
Sometimes peoples’ comments get to me and I wonder if I really am lazy or giving up when I shouldn’t be, but I have to remind myself that just because I’m putting the fight on hold for now doesn’t mean I’m not a fighter. It’s just that I’m choosing a different kind of battle.
Now I’m entering into a battle where I need to take every thought captive for the glory of God and hold fast to the sword of the Spirit as I move forward each day with this pain. The hardest battle for me is one of submission and surrender, but I am called to lay everything at His feet so that is what I will work towards.
For now, doctors are on hold and I’m focusing on my relationship with the Lord and my direction in life, and that’s okay. It’s okay if I want to let go of the painful reminders and choose to move forward in running the good race set before me.
I think there might be good things down the road not because of the work of some doctor, but because of the work of Christ in me.