Okay so today I had to give a testimonial thing at church about how the youth ministry has impacted my life and boy was I nervous… until I wasn’t.
I had prepared what I wanted to say and practiced it a few times, but I still couldn’t shake the anxiety that made my stomach flip. This morning after more practice and prayer, the feeling started to soften around the edges, leaving room for me to breathe again.
In church we had worship before I was supposed to go up and speak, and God sure went all out today. He picked songs that brought me comfort and assurance of His presence and control, as well as songs that commanded me to throw fear to the side and boldly step forwards into what He’s called me to do. I was surprised to find that I wasn’t feeling very nervous anymore.
Finally, it was time for me to go up. I can’t really remember much but I guess that’s just another indicator of the truth I’m learning, which is that I’m just a vessel. I was told that I did alright after the fact, which might not seem very miraculous but it definitely felt like a miracle to the girl who was so panicked just last night.
What God is teaching me through this is that I’m not carrying myself, my life, my future. He is. I’m His vessel, the temple for His Spirit, my heart is His home. I don’t have to be anxious about if I’m good enough, because I already know the answer: I’m not.
But He is! And He has given me His Spirit and His Word to guide me on the straight and narrow path. He works through me to do good for His glory because I can’t do any good of my own. “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not” (Romans 7:18).
I need to stop being so afraid of what I can and can’t do when looking at my future, because it’s not really my future.
I’m a slave and the Lord is my master, I’m bought by the blood of Christ and owned by God Himself. “You are not your own; you were bought at a price” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). It’s His life and my job is to abide and surrender for Him to live it through me.