Hello everyone! It’s good to be back writing again, I missed posting last week because of a family vacation but I have since returned to normal life (a sad, non-beachy, not eating goldish for every meal kind of normal).
“Popped trash balloon” is quite the title, but may be more relatable than you’d think. This phrase is how I described how I was feeling to a close friend the other day. I messaged her saying something along the lines of “I feel like a balloon full of trash that gets popped every time I say or do something, dropping my trash onto the heads of everyone around me.” Dramatic and a little gross, but hey at least I’m honest.
What I was trying to convey is the common phenomena of being so self-critical that you find everything you say or do to be extremely embarrassing and humiliating. I felt like I had all of this awkwardness inside me that would come out with everything I said or did and embarrass myself in front of everyone I was with.
A lot of times I feel/describe how I feel in pictures. For example, in the same message, I told my friend that I was so self-conscious I wished I could hide out and nap under a rock blanket for the rest of my life. Again, pretty dramatic but I’m trying my best.
So I was obviously struggling with some serious identity issues that day, letting my mind run away into the fictional, letting my anxiety snowball down a hill of self-deprecation. Though the words and actions I was feeling so embarrassed over were, in reality, perfectly normal, I still allowed my emotions to twist how I saw reality.
The Bible tells us that the heart is deceitful, even going so far as to say that it is ABOVE ALL ELSE in its deceit. I’ve written about this topic before (The Role of Emotion) and yet I still find myself tossed by waves of feelings that need not affect me if only I grounded myself on the Rock!
Though my words were objectively normal and nothing out of the ordinary, I allowed Satan’s lies to creep into my mind and literally distort what I thought was real. Kind’ve scary that the devil has so much power, but not when you rest secure in the Lord’s grasp. Not when you look up and can’t help but be filled with awe and wonder at the mighty King of kings who created, sustains, and rules the cosmos. And yes, beats Satan for all eternity.
Everyone is susceptible to falling into the trap of placing too much weight on how we feel instead of what’s true. Luckily, Jesus is the Truth, and He offers it freely through His Word as well as prayer and relationship with Him.
Thank the Lord for my Jesus-loving friend and the Holy Spirit inside of me for drawing me back to the Truth, and I’m grateful beyond expression that “if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live” (Romans 8:13b). My humanness runs off the rails, but by the Spirit I can put to death my old self and carry on in a Christlike manner for the glory of God.